[edit] i'm actually feeling very detached from it all. its like i float along in this limbo world, nothing certain, nothing harsh. then sometimes i think of below, and i feel like there's this huge vacuum sucking everything in, in my heart. and then everything returns to this monotonous oblivion. i was thinking about 2 weeks ago. how everything collapsed. how i've reached a stage i've never been to before, and who was there then. who grabbed my forearm. who listened to me. and i appreciate them. i really do. and its just a stark contrast with all your absences.

fullerton, esplanade. walking in the rain. it was beautiful, beauty in all the flaws. i loved it, and i'll always remember that night.

congrats. i'm really standing on the outside looking in now. actually i'm not even looking cos there's a thick wall separating everything now. all i hear are snippets of conversation, whispers drifting across. that's all its gonna be now is it. and i'm going to walk away now. i'm really going to try. cos all those faint murmurs are only hurting me even more. making me sadder than i was before [/edit]

dis-illusioned is the word.

the lack of words is a million times worse than harsh mean words. the lack of everything, just means there is nothing left to fight for anymore. you fight cos you care. and when the fighting stops, it seems that there isn't anything left already. i'd give anything to fight with you again. but it seems like this is it already. you've erased me from your life. its as if i never existed. all memories have faded into dust. but then again you were never a big fan of memories. shrugs. i just can't swallow it sometimes.

then there's you. you who disappeared without a word. made me half promises. made me hope. and now its as though you never existed too.

i'm so sick and tired of all this. i really want to be happy. i'm trying super super hard to be happy. but things like these keep making me sad time and time again. i really want my last 3 months in spore to be happy, esp when i know that everything will no longer be the same again when i come back.